Tolkien--outdated and overrated

The other day I finally finished reading The Lord of the Rings trilogy by way of reading The Return of the King. I haven't read The Hobbit or The Silmarillion, and I really hope that I don't have to, in the future. The only reason I read LotR in the first place is because every fantasy writer has to read it; it's some sort of unspoken rule. LotR was one of the first, and "has to be studied" by fans of fantasy.

If you would allow me to be vulgar for a moment, I fucking rejoiced when I finished that story, and didn't even bother reading the miles of appendices. The movies were great, the accompanying soundtracks sound awesome, but those books? Utter dreck.

Now that I have a myriad of swear-by-Tolkieners coming to leave decapitated horses in my bed, hear me out: LotR is among the oldest of speculative fiction I have on my shelves, beaten only by Lovecraft (who is a whole new can of worms altogether) and Orwell (whom I don't really count as speculative fiction, anyway). After LotR, the next oldest is Anne McCaffrey's Dragonflight, published in 1968. Between those two series, there is a distinct change in focus, dialogue, and worldbuilding.

LotR was not about a short hairy person throwing jewelry into a volcano. It was a podium from which Tolkien could showcase many of his skills, particularly those of description and linguistics. I would be the first on the block to admit that the guy is good at what he does: creating believable languages and describing down the the inch the detail of vast mountain cities, stinky swamps, and how many strands erupted out of the flesh of Frodo's foot. The problem is too much of a focus on these things. A story, whether it be a trilogy, a novel, or just a short story, has many parts, and description is only one of them. I will admit that the man had a rich and detailed world to set his tale in. But we do not all care about the mating habits of elderly orcs, the names elves have for basic things, or how much pot those hobbits smoke in an average-sized birthday party. All of these things are what writer's call notes. This information is used to help in description, not to be the description. The need for a manual in order to digest the story is unnecessary and, in this day and age of casual readers, a distinct manuscript-killer.

Anne McCaffrey (whom I don't enjoy much either) at least understands this. Rather than tell us that a certain region doesn't get much rainfall, she'll have a character be surprised when it does rain. This is what is acceptable now. Showing, not telling. Information should not be the bulk of any story. It's like having thick lasagna for dinner, and then following up directly with cheesecake. It's too filling, it's too much, and it makes the reader feel like they are working through a book rather than enjoying it.

And "thee", "thou", and "thither"? I'm shocked that stuff flew back in the fifties. No one talks like a real human being, not even the human beings! I am reminded much of Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. Remember how everyone, from the jilted husband, the adulterous wife, the preacher-dude, and the five-year-old girl all had the exact same speech patterns? Uneducated and silly hobbits should not speak the same way as old wizards or royalty. Mark Twain had it right; people don't all talk the same way, whether it be in dialect or just simply word choice. It's a lesson that Tolkien should have known himself. And to have just one person speak normally may have made the whole tale easier to digest, because then we would have someone to relate to, even in the slightest bit. McCaffrey seems to understand that.

In conclusion, just because something is popular, doesn't mean it's good. Just because something is a pioneer of it's time, does not mean that it's good. Just because something has had several movies made of it, doesn't mean that it's good. I mean, it helps. After all, there are all of those people who would have my head for holding this opinion, and their love had to come from somewhere.

Probably the same crack that gave Tolkien the bright idea to write a fantasy story that modern readers wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole without smoking some of that same shit.